bleugh!

Monday, March 31, 2008 4:43 AM

i have alot on my mind now,
and i am too lazy to write it down.
so i shall..type it down.
saves more ink,wastes more electricity.oops.

today's been rather dead. deadly, deadened..
its a very dull day.
been reading the memory keeper's daughter..
so maybe its affected my mood.
good books always,always affect my moods.
good shows too,actually.but mostly,good books.
and good books are usually sad ones that tug at your heart and tug hard.
so well,i felt very..
i dunno. emotional's not the word, cos im anything but that.
what im in,seems to be more the lack of.
the abyss,the hole,the void.

i keep thinking of a message i received last night;a series.
and the answers i gave in return.
although completely irrelevant
they meant something totally different to me.
a different situation,a different issue altogether.
yet, the same answers could be applied.
and maybe thats not what i was waiting to hear,as an answer.
of course,there was no prominent or distinct question to begin with.
but, it was always there, just never asked.
maybe it was asked before, just ignored. just hidden behind all the dominant emotions.

well,the answer's right there now.
it may not be what i want to hear..
what i want to give..
but i guess its inevitable.
i am tired,you are tired,we are tired.

my sis is out with her best friend of many years.
i see them together,shopping together,eating out together,riding in the car together,joking together,crying onto each other's shoulders..
it softens my heart and breaks my scowl into a smile.
it strengthens my belief that such strong platonic bonds exist in this cold cruel world.
before me, in my very family is concrete evidence.
concrete,solid,evidence.
yet on my other side is something else.
something very solid too,but something completely different.
a barrier.two,maybe,even three.
and my heart breaks.
because, even though i know that such strong, special bonds exist in the world
it is not for me, it is not in my place to be a carrier, a part of this bond.

yet, i am not sad.
my heart breaks,yes.
but i am not sad.
what i feel.. is beyond me.
relief? loss?
one year ago i would have childishly indulged in self pity.
but i dont feel sorry for myself now.
i dont feel sad,or anything like that.
i am disgusted at myself, what others do not know and cannot know about me.
maybe you guys know, i dont know, how can i know?
my emotions,they say,can be read off my face as easily as reading a clear bright sign on the highway.
i do not know,i don't like looking at my reflection in the mirrors.
what i see scares me.
i know me,but i dont know me.
and i prefer not to know me.
so you shouldn't too.

i will never have something like that.
but thats ok.
that's ok.

what i have become, what has become of me.
it is too much for me to take, time has past too fast, too swiftly, too aggressively, too harshly, and all of a sudden i am who i am now—me.

all i can do now is..
hold on to all my artifacts,
old,sweet remnants of the past.
maybe put them into a box.
store it away safely, lest i throw them away on impulse.
i have become so much less sentimental, i am afraid one day i will lose all my old self.
but maybe im much better off this way than that.
and what might've that way been?

ok i shall stop crapping and go finish off my letter to my gan nu er.
if ever i have a special bond,it would have to be my beloved gne,
cos if a gan die-gan nu er bond isnt ''''special'''', i dont know what is!
(:

JAX ......out