bleugh!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 8:27 AM

hmm.
im not supposed to be online but i need to get this down in case i never get back.
yeh ppl laugh it off think im childish but actually i think im being matured when i think like this.
wut if i go,get bombed,and never come back?
im not afraid of dying..
im just afraid of not being able to return and say all the last words i feel i should at least get a chance to say in this lifetime.
i dont want to go not having said my thankyou's and iloveyou's and stuffs.
i dont want to leave-as in literally leave- my life not having told all my friends i appreciate them.
that is why i will be afraid to die.

today went out with elaine to walk around and get ying a 'preluding' present..
and yeh after that rushed to harbourfront to meet ying and cally for her birthday dinner.
yeh i hope you enjoyed yourself ying.
i did,just a little upset that all the bye i said to you was well,bye.
i always want to say more but i never find the courage to.
i need to tell all i love that i really love them.
yes,i am paranoid.
but thats me wut.
if im not paranoid im not lam.

if i go,and never come back.
i never say my goodbyes.
i will leave with a part of me missing.

i need to constantly tell ppl i appreciate them and love them,cos its sth i never get.
and because i know its wut i need,and i dont get,that i gave instead,i guess.
im happy giving.

but now,less than twelve hours from my flight.
i haven truly told anyone i appreciate them.
except for elaine hahar.
and im glad to have been able to meet you.ha.
and steffi.and yanhong.my dearest brudderlaoda.
and ying.and cally.

and because of that..
i shall return ok ppl.
in one piece(:

im so meaningless sometimes.haa.

silly me.

(:

happy birthday,girlfriend =)

it would have been nice if.
any of you could have offered to send me off you know.
just offered.ha.
i mean.could be the last time right.that your seeing me.
maybe im not that important afterall.
=|

my expectations need to be lowered. =)

that's all.

JAX ......out