bleugh!

Friday, January 19, 2007 4:22 AM

'lo everyone.
i know,i know.
lam's become all emo again.
hey im fine aight.
i mean,is it wrong to emo now and then?
at least im not threatening to die or say stuffs like 'the world's forsaken me and im all alone' shit now.
cmon its the rainy season.how not to be emo?
its like so condusive-isit the right spelling?omg my english-for crying.
like heaven's crying,so im privileged to cry too.
ok its not a privilege.

right.
today i went back to band..
and wells,ive never been one to honey or sugarcoat my words,so in short,the standard of ahband is not up to mark.
i remember two years ago(there we go again)
when henry went up to talk to us.
he drew us the graph of ahband standard.
drew three lines on the y-axis (omg i remember my stuffs!)
and labelled them gold silver bronze.
and told us how we went from top gold to low gold to silver(1999?i dunno) to a border gold(2001?im not good at remembering numbers) and then to silver again in 2003.
and he told us frankly,we just made a drastic drop and he drew a steep gradient to the falling curve-line-wutever.
we were so hurt.yes we were.and so sorry that we let our seniors down.
we vowed-ok not literally- to get the gold for our seniors.
we saw how jingyi dear and the rest were so upset over the silver in 2003-halfway through sectionals shortly aftersyf03 isabeltan just squat down to cry i remember that clearly-when she still had long hair and all you know haha.
we saw them wanting the gold so bad and we wanted to make them happy so bad too.we loved adored idolised admired and respected our seniors.
but then as time went by as we worked harder and harder for syf and our pracs got longer and longer and we drew closer and closer to the syf date(13 april wednesday) we saw ourselves wanting the gold for ourselves.
we desired to have it.we wanted it.
jingyi asked us during one sectional in early 2005,if we wanted to get gold.
naive innocent gullible-and cute haha-juniors that we were,we nodded our heads.
jingyi proceeded to ask us why.
yueyang-yes i know it was his big mouth-suavely replied with a 'we want to win it for our seniors.cos our seniors want the gold'
which led to a very big and rather heated response from jingyi.
she scolded us,yes she did.
she chided us for wanting the gold for them,that it was wrong.we should want the gold for ourselves,desire it for ourselves.
then she said some stuffs i cannot remember-sorry there.
and then the saturday before the big day,i remember leaving the band-our dearest old band room-and then hearing about jingyi crying back there.
somebody gave her a talk i guess?
cos the following monday she was pretty different.
she started telling us that we shouldnt be looking at just the medal,and that our main aim should be to play good music.
nothing else should matter if we felt we played our best and if we made music.
i agree with her you know.
jingyi has this great persuasive skills that made me feel wutever it was she wanted the band to feel.
when she scolded us i felt guilty.
when she-oh wait she didnt do anything else!ha.
and then she made us play with our eyes closed,with her tapping.
i remember us laughing timidly while playing.
i remember the afternoon before syf when our section was seated outside the aircon hall where guitar was practising and caho wasn paying attention to her conductor and was looking at me instead.
we sat there and talked,and then we held our hands seated in a tight circle to pray-isabel led the prayer.
i remember all the things i learnt in ahband during the tough period.i remember all the tears and all the scoldings all the lectures all the values i was taught..
and i just cried during the prayer.
and my stupid teardrops made those luod thudding sounds,and jingyi who was to my left heard it,and she squeezed my hand a little tighter for comfort and strength.
and then the prayer ended and she hugged me and then jiahua came to hug me too and it became a group hug.
do you know,that is one of my most treasured memories of ahband,of ahs at all?
all the warmth and love and care and concern showered upon me by my beloved seniors whom i know dont read this blog..
where're all that now?
where's all the respect the seniors deserve?
why is it that some juniors can be so ap and rude to seniors?
not seniors,peers likewise.
where's all the lurrrrve gone?respect?discipline?
maybe you feel that i have no right to criticise the band.
im here to tell you otherwise.
no matter if i was never in ahband for the first two years of sec school life.
no matter if i play so horribly on my instrument.
no matter if i was never in the committee.
i was an ahbander,i felt i did my part as a junior,maybe not the best junior or a good junior but nevertheless a respectful one,i loved the band and i sacrificed so much of my time for band.
i think that my attachments to band is enough rights to scold any of you.
and i think as a senior,popular or good senior or not,i have the rights to criticise you.
i want to help the band but sometimes all i feel is that you guys do not seem keen for our help.
and sometimes,i just dont know how to help.
our seniors play an important role in our lives as ahbanders.
they not only teach us how to play our instruments they are our role models musically and they teach us values in life too.
my seniors taught me to open up to them whenever i had problems.they taught me countless things.
they gave us their time unconditionally.they sacrificed their time for studying on coaching us.
i was never a good senior.
all i know to do was not smile and flash black faces.
maybe i dont deserve the respect i never got from y'all.
but the rest?time and again they scolded y'all in hopes of pushing y'all to strife harder work harder.
instead each time you guys forget.some dont even care and walk off as if it doesn concern them.
ahband is one.when one falls the whole band falls with it.
i even remember the shoelace thing henry did with us in the field,at 7pm on a schoolday.
we did it.we made it to the fence and back,laces tied together in one line as a whole band.
i dont think the current leaders even dare do that to the band lest you all rise up and riot against them.
they are your leaders dammit.give them the respect they deserve.
they tell you to turn up for drills,then turn up for drills for goodness' sake.

i know half the things i mentioned up there,ive mentioned a million times before.but cmon my favourite meemories(:
look,ive become so naggy=(
i'll blame this on jingyi.HA.

ciao suckers.
i love the rain,dont you?

january 24 is coming

JAX ......out