bleugh!

Saturday, July 29, 2006 2:00 AM

the happy feeling's worn off.
somehow it affected me that i forgot to send a goodnight message.
and it also affected me when you didnt send one either.
i dont want to be like this.
i hate it.
when will this end..
walked to school in the worst kind of moods.
at least,well,at least i didnt cry.
thats something new and surprising huh.
im surprised too.
its horrid like this.
cos i feel like crying.
yet i cant.
maybe its better this way.
maybe i can never regain the ability to cry again.
then ppl wouldnt know if im sad.
ppl wont know how i feel.
not crying is worse.
but its so much easier to hide feelings.
but then i sent a morning message instead.
and you replied.yes you did.
halfheartedly or wutever.
you did.
it made the rest of my day more..enjoyable.
but then it wore off.
i get tired of acting.
i show my true feelings.
ppl mistake it for exhaustion,which is not exactly wrong.
ppl say its cos i dont smile.
its not that i dont want to smile.
i cant.
im tired.
real tired.
so very tired.
at night,i hear the other side of me whispering
'let me die'
wuts the use of living when all the ppl i lived for has left?
wuts the use of wasting my mother's money on scans and followups and medication?
wuts the use of all this shit.
i want to cry.
but the tears refuse to come out.
maybe its better afterall...
maybe.

its the last performance tmw.
i dread it.
cos its our last performance.
i will miss band so dearly.
my second home.
my family.

I WANT ROSES.

carpe diem,ppl,seize the day.
for wut i say.
gather wut rosebuds?
they'll die if you pluck the buds before they grow.

farewell is coming ppl....
why you all dont wanna tell me wut youall want?
why nobody ask me wut i want?????LOL.jk.
ciao.

JAX ......out